What follows is my transcript of what came next:
The delegates came and the delegates sat,
and they talked and they talked 'til their bums all went flat.
Then a delegate said of the country he knew
"We must do something quick, but just what should we do?"
So they sat again thinking and there they stayed seated,
sitting and thinking the planet's been heated.
"I think", said a delegate there from Peru,
"that we all must agree on some things we could do
like reducing emissions, at least CO2"
So they nodded and noted then vetoed and voted
and one of them stood up and suddenly quoted:
"It's the science you see that's the thing that must guide us!
When the leaders all get here they're certain to chide us".
So they sat again thinking about what to think
then decided to ponder what colour of ink
to use on the paper when they'd all agreed
to be selfless not Greedy McGreedy McGreed.
"But how do we choose just what colour to use?"
said a delegate there who'd been having a snooze.
"We need clear binding targets, definitive action,
we must all agree clearly without more distraction!"
So they sat again thinking of targets for ink
but the ink in their thinking had started to stink
and they started to think that the ink was a kink
in the thinking about real things they should think.
"If the climate needs mending then this is our chance,"
said the nuclear delegate sent there by France.
"We need to agree on one thing to agree on:
something we all want a fixed guarantee on"
"Yes," said another who thought this made sense,
"some value for carbon in dollars or pence!"
But the mention of money and thoughts of expense
had stifled the progress and things became tense.
The fellow from China with a smile on his face
said "Who put the carbon there in the first place?"
"Wasn't us" said the US then Europe did too.
Then a silence descended and no words were spoken
'til a delegate stood up, voice nervous and broken.
"Is there nothing upon which we all can decide,
'cos on Wednesday my chicken laid eggs that were fried!"
"We all like a singsong!" said the bloke from Down Under
but then the great hall was all shouting and thunder!
Policemen had entered and were wearing protesters
who they'd beaten and flattened like bloodied sou'westers.
The police had decided to down-play this crime
with 'prevention detention' and beatings in rhyme.
The greenies, who'd shouted and asked for decision
were now being battered with lethal precision!
All sick of inaction and fed up of waiting,
all tired of the endless debated placating
they'd risen up grating, berating and hating
so the police had commenced the related abating.
Ban Ki-moon put his head in another man's lap
and was last heard muttering something like "Crap."
But the chap next to him said "It's more like it's poo,"
so the great hall debated not what they should do,
but how to decide between "Crap", "Cack" and "Poo".
"It is poo!"
"It is cack!"
"It is crap!"
"We agree!"
which was written and labelled as Document Three.
"I think if we all find one thing we agree on,
then maybe Brazil will be left with a tree on."
So they sat again thinking of trees in Brazil
and of glaciers which had retreated uphill
and they thought of the poor folks whose homes were in flood
(but less of the protesters covered in blood).
They pondered the species so nearly extinct -
it's as if they all thought that these things might be linked!
"We need a solution, we need action please,"
said a lady who'd come from the sinking Maldives.
The others all nodded and said it was fact
that the time must be now not to talk but to act.
Then Obama arrived and said most rhetorical:
"Action is action, and not metaphorical".
"Wow", they all thought, "he must mean allegorical."
"I love it when Barack goes all oratorical!"
"But the problem I have is that Congress won't pass it!"
"Bugger," said Ban Ki, then "Sorry," then "Arse it."
Then Brown said "I've got it! Now how does this strike you?
It's simpler when voters already dislike you."
He suggested the EU should lead from the front
so the Mail and the Telegraph called him something very unpleasant indeed.
So the delegates stared at the text with red marks on
ignoring the gales of laughter from Clarkson.
No-one was satisfied, nobody won
'cept the morons convinced it was really the sun
...and they blew it and wasted the greatest of chances.
Instead they all frollicked in diplomat dances
and decided decisively right there and then
that the best way to solve it's to meet up again
and decide on a future that's greener and greater
not with action right now but with something else later.
Written by Marcus Brigstocke for the Now Show
